I am officially an idiot. Oh my god, what was I thinking?
I mean, sure, it was a fun night and we were having a good time. She got my head back in the game and out of whatever funk I'd been in, and it felt good to just cut loose like that. Bouncing and playing muscle gets so boring in that bar sometimes, and she kept me occupied. But now look what you've done, Neo. I'm crazy.
I can't believe I stole that locket. I can't believe I'm wearing it. I can't believe I dared her to steal it, like that's such a clever little ploy. I know she can see the chain in my outfit. Any fool could, and she's not stupid. She's going to figure out exactly what it is. It's so childish and stupid that of course she's going to know. Why would she even play along with a game like this.
The look she gave me when I almost kissed her was telling. Emerald's still in love with Cinder. I know she's still in love with Cinder. Everyone know she's still in love with Cinder. YANG, who may be the most emotionally inept punching bag I have ever met in my life, probably knows that she's in love with Cinder. It was a running joke that she worshiped the ground that woman walked on, and would do anything for her.
And god, but I need to get her away from that woman. She's going to ruin her life, break her heart, trample on her feelings use her until there's nothing left, and if Emerald ever stops being worth her effort, Cinder will kill her without hesitation. Maybe she actually cares a tiny bit about Emerald. They were together for years before we met up for the Beacon jobs, but that doesn't matter. Even if Cinder could love her, did love her, I've seen what that woman is like. She would kill her own mother to get what she wants, and as long as Emerald is useful to her, she'll let her dote, but the moment she's in her way she won't hesitate. She'd kill me in a heartbeat and I know it. We only worked together because we wanted the same thing.
Emerald doesn't deserve that. Mercury doesn't deserve that. Roman didn't deserve that. I... I don't deserve that. We're not good people, and I'm fine with the idea that maybe? Just maybe? We deserve to get punished. But none of us fucking deserve Cinder.
And I can't tell her. She'd leave me. She would walk out of my lie and she's one of my best friends in this damned town. I actually have friends in this town, and if I so much as said what I know about Cinder, Emerald would walk out the door and never look back. She'd be sad maybe, after she tried to kick my ass, but she'd still do it. And this is killing me because she doesn't deserve to be like this, waiting on a woman for whom she's a preferred tool, not a friend.
Brothers, I have friends. I have people who actually give a shit about me, and I'm about to lose it, and I actually care about what they think of me. Helena. Maul. Rogue. Amara. Oscar. Oh my god, I think I actually care what that farmboy thinks of me. There are people who tried to talk me down from my problems time and time again, and they're being patient. They're begging me not to make the make a decision because they don't want to have to.
I'm still trapped in that night. When I close my eyes, I can still see Roman die. I can still remember every word, every motion. It plays in my head every time I hear her voice. And the worst part is I know it kills her inside too. She hates herself that he died. That she helped make me what I am, trapped me in the last two year of hell. And I want it to stop. I want it to end. I want the pain to fade, to finally just die or move on.
Roman, am I allowed to move on? Am I allowed to be happy, to make new friends? Would you really want that for me? I don't think they're wrong when they tell me you would. I heard you that night. I hear you every night in my dreams, calling my name. Unable to save me, yet you were the one who needed saving. You were my only friend. Even Emerald wasn't in those days. She was Cinder's, but we have each other.
Is it wrong to want a job? To want a life? To want to let some guy or girl touch me? To imagine what it would feel like for Maul to put me up against a wall, or to wish Emerald would stop pining for Cinder and give us a chance? I want something else. I want to live today, not to live trapped in my past.
She isn't the answer... but I'm crazy enough to want to let her be part of it. But do I really have the guts to risk losing her if she says no?
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timeasmymeasure
7/17/2020 (CW Fatalistic Ideation/Emotional Trauma)
Date: 2020-07-31 04:15 pm (UTC)I mean, sure, it was a fun night and we were having a good time. She got my head back in the game and out of whatever funk I'd been in, and it felt good to just cut loose like that. Bouncing and playing muscle gets so boring in that bar sometimes, and she kept me occupied. But now look what you've done, Neo. I'm crazy.
I can't believe I stole that locket. I can't believe I'm wearing it. I can't believe I dared her to steal it, like that's such a clever little ploy. I know she can see the chain in my outfit. Any fool could, and she's not stupid. She's going to figure out exactly what it is. It's so childish and stupid that of course she's going to know. Why would she even play along with a game like this.
The look she gave me when I almost kissed her was telling. Emerald's still in love with Cinder. I know she's still in love with Cinder. Everyone know she's still in love with Cinder. YANG, who may be the most emotionally inept punching bag I have ever met in my life, probably knows that she's in love with Cinder. It was a running joke that she worshiped the ground that woman walked on, and would do anything for her.
And god, but I need to get her away from that woman. She's going to ruin her life, break her heart, trample on her feelings use her until there's nothing left, and if Emerald ever stops being worth her effort, Cinder will kill her without hesitation. Maybe she actually cares a tiny bit about Emerald. They were together for years before we met up for the Beacon jobs, but that doesn't matter. Even if Cinder could love her, did love her, I've seen what that woman is like. She would kill her own mother to get what she wants, and as long as Emerald is useful to her, she'll let her dote, but the moment she's in her way she won't hesitate. She'd kill me in a heartbeat and I know it. We only worked together because we wanted the same thing.
Emerald doesn't deserve that. Mercury doesn't deserve that. Roman didn't deserve that. I... I don't deserve that. We're not good people, and I'm fine with the idea that maybe? Just maybe? We deserve to get punished. But none of us fucking deserve Cinder.
And I can't tell her. She'd leave me. She would walk out of my lie and she's one of my best friends in this damned town. I actually have friends in this town, and if I so much as said what I know about Cinder, Emerald would walk out the door and never look back. She'd be sad maybe, after she tried to kick my ass, but she'd still do it. And this is killing me because she doesn't deserve to be like this, waiting on a woman for whom she's a preferred tool, not a friend.
Brothers, I have friends. I have people who actually give a shit about me, and I'm about to lose it, and I actually care about what they think of me. Helena. Maul. Rogue. Amara. Oscar. Oh my god, I think I actually care what that farmboy thinks of me. There are people who tried to talk me down from my problems time and time again, and they're being patient. They're begging me not to make the make a decision because they don't want to have to.
I'm still trapped in that night. When I close my eyes, I can still see Roman die. I can still remember every word, every motion. It plays in my head every time I hear her voice. And the worst part is I know it kills her inside too. She hates herself that he died. That she helped make me what I am, trapped me in the last two year of hell. And I want it to stop. I want it to end. I want the pain to fade, to finally just die or move on.
Roman, am I allowed to move on? Am I allowed to be happy, to make new friends? Would you really want that for me? I don't think they're wrong when they tell me you would. I heard you that night. I hear you every night in my dreams, calling my name. Unable to save me, yet you were the one who needed saving. You were my only friend. Even Emerald wasn't in those days. She was Cinder's, but we have each other.
Is it wrong to want a job? To want a life? To want to let some guy or girl touch me? To imagine what it would feel like for Maul to put me up against a wall, or to wish Emerald would stop pining for Cinder and give us a chance? I want something else. I want to live today, not to live trapped in my past.
She isn't the answer... but I'm crazy enough to want to let her be part of it. But do I really have the guts to risk losing her if she says no?