I got the bear to agree to this. I told it I'd come to him willingly, let him play out whatever gruesome shit show of a trial he wants. I deserve it. I was stupid. I've fucked everything up and it's all my fault. All I had to do was lock myself in a cell with some food packs and a damned toilet and just disappear for a month. I should have known better. Qrow was right. Varian was right. I can't get past this part of me. This has to stop.
Brothers, I'm sorry Emerald. I dragged you into this. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm sorry to Ruby. She's been one of the only people who's spoken forgiveness to Roman, wanting to believe in him, never giving up. Sure, that's just how that little idiot is. We all know it. But she means it with Roman.
She never gave up on me, even begging me not to fight her, not wanting to fight back. She didn't want to hurt me. I've tried to kill her four times, and she keeps wanting to forgive me. She didn't deserve me, and she didn't deserve Cinder.
This has to stop. I have to forgive her. I'm not allowed to die, but if I live in that moment my entire life, I'm no different than a Grimm. I'm no different than Salem. I'm a ghost haunting them, and I'm not actually a ghost. I have to forgive her. I have to find a way to make this up to her, and I think I need to let the ghost die. For their sake. I need to be punished. They could lock me up, but what good would it really do? They could kill me, but what good would it really do them? I'd just be back and they'd be hurting Ruby.
Let the Bear do it. Let him air my laundry for all. Maybe I'll even apologize to that guy in May. Let this end. And maybe they won't forgive me. I couldn't fault them. I don't care if I was crazy right then. I wouldn't forgive me just because I said I'm sorry on hands and knees.
I need to forgive her. I need everyone to know I forgive her. And I need to forgive Cinder. Not because she deserves it. Ruby does. She doesn't. I need to forgive her for Emerald, and I need Emerald to see it before she finds out.
I might lose everyone else in this town, but I can't lose her too. So that's it. I forgive Cinder. I let the Bear make a spectacle of me. And I forgive Ruby, and when I'm brought back? I start over and just hope.
God, I hope Emerald really does forgive me. I have no idea what's going to happen and it terrifies me.
7/27/2020 (CW Fatalistic Ideation/Emotional Trauma)
Brothers, I'm sorry Emerald. I dragged you into this. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm sorry to Ruby. She's been one of the only people who's spoken forgiveness to Roman, wanting to believe in him, never giving up. Sure, that's just how that little idiot is. We all know it. But she means it with Roman.
She never gave up on me, even begging me not to fight her, not wanting to fight back. She didn't want to hurt me. I've tried to kill her four times, and she keeps wanting to forgive me. She didn't deserve me, and she didn't deserve Cinder.
This has to stop. I have to forgive her. I'm not allowed to die, but if I live in that moment my entire life, I'm no different than a Grimm. I'm no different than Salem. I'm a ghost haunting them, and I'm not actually a ghost. I have to forgive her. I have to find a way to make this up to her, and I think I need to let the ghost die. For their sake. I need to be punished. They could lock me up, but what good would it really do? They could kill me, but what good would it really do them? I'd just be back and they'd be hurting Ruby.
Let the Bear do it. Let him air my laundry for all. Maybe I'll even apologize to that guy in May. Let this end. And maybe they won't forgive me. I couldn't fault them. I don't care if I was crazy right then. I wouldn't forgive me just because I said I'm sorry on hands and knees.
I need to forgive her. I need everyone to know I forgive her.
And I need to forgive Cinder. Not because she deserves it. Ruby does. She doesn't.
I need to forgive her for Emerald, and I need Emerald to see it before she finds out.
I might lose everyone else in this town, but I can't lose her too.
So that's it. I forgive Cinder. I let the Bear make a spectacle of me. And I forgive Ruby, and when I'm brought back? I start over and just hope.
God, I hope Emerald really does forgive me. I have no idea what's going to happen and it terrifies me.