IC Inbox

[threelayers]

[A tinny, electronic voice comes on the other line. The message recorded is very obviously a 'default' setting of the fluid, available to any user. It displays no name or identity.]

The person you're trying to reach cannot answer the phone right now. Please leave a message with your name and number after the beep and we will return your call.

[What? Were you actually expecting her to record a voice message?]

Comments

[hallucinogem]

They can hate me all they want. I'm used to them hating me. It's fine.

[thank the gods the voice was synthetic because she knew she couldn't get through a lie that obvious with her actual voice right now. still, she knew that Neo would see through it, so she tried to type quickly with eyes closed out of embarrassment. shame. self-hate.]

I thought I was stronger than this and I didn't want this to be how I found out I was wrong.
I don't know how I can trust myself after this.

[threelayers]

[She could have called her on the lie. They both knew it was a lie. Eight months she'd been trying to build friendships with people she'd openly hated for years and mend bridges that were thought long burned. She didn't want them to hate her. Neo was the one ok with being hated here.

But she didn't. Emerald didn't need that right now. She kept a hand up and against the back of her head, drawing her in close.]

This place? It knows how to trigger the worst in us.
Cinder, she can bring out the worst in you without trying.
I love you, but we both know that's true, just like you know if it used Roman?
A vision of Roman could make me go nuts, do awful things without hesitation.

Change isn't a straight line. And with this town? It can backslide.
I should have been paying more attention at the party.

[hallucinogem]

Please don't blame yourself.

[she wanted to type more but all she could manage immediately after that was an instinctive curl closer, tighter, more against her girlfriend's body. she just wanted... she wanted someone to be there for her. she wanted a way to know that not everything was falling to pieces, and Neo was providing that, and that was. that was everything. that was her new world, as far as she was concerned, in this moment. she breathed in through a stuffed nose, held back the urge to cough.]

I took her to her room so nobody could stop us.
She knew Cinder was fake. She knew it wasn't really her. She tried to stop me and I just didn't listen.
I couldn't stop myself either. Cinder was just too much.
I told Ruby I was sorry while I was doing it.

[threelayers]

[Yeah, that ... hurt actually. Because that was exactly what she'd done with her when she'd been stabbing her. It sounded very much like Ruby, and it was a confirmation that she was probably aware that this wasn't normal for the current state of Emerald's mind. Neo sighed, and held onto her head as they 'talked' via text. It was the only way to really do this right now.]

At least she knows and saw that Cinder was there, and a fake.
It means that she may be able to get past this more easily.
I'm concerned about the others, but we need to try to avoid escalating.
And I want to make sure you're ok, going forward.
I want to help you with this, Emerald.

[And by 'this' she meant 'moving on from Cinder.' She didn't say that though.]

[hallucinogem]

I want your help.
I want help from everyone who wants to give it.

[even if she thinks that list is very short. even if she thinks the list starts and ends with their fingertips. but there are bigger problems here that she's only able to talk about because she doesn't have to use her voice, even though her hand is starting to feel like her own again. even if she feels like she's regaining control over her body.]

But I don't know what anyone can do to help.
I feel like everything I knew about myself is wrong and I don't know how to get that back.
I knew she was bad for me. I know she's bad for me. But I still listened to her no matter how much it twisted me inside.
The second she showed up again I stopped being confident and started being her lap dog same as always.

[threelayers]

[The list probably wasn't huge for either of them, but it was almost certainly larger than she was thinking right now. That was Neo's opinion anyway. However, the problem inherent wasn't getting the help. It was what they were dealing with. Neo nodded and listened carefully to what she said. Finally, she sighed and tapped out her reply.]

Some of that is probably you. You're not wrong, but not all of it.
Remember, I was making peace with Ruby when I killed her.
My mind was being altered, and I believe yours probably was too to an extent.
This town can force us to relive our worst mistakes.
If that was the real Cinder? Weird as this sounds?
It might have been easier to tell her no, not easy, but easier.

[hallucinogem]

[there was. more to it. her mind was being altered, and there was something extremely simple that she could point to that made that glaringly obvious. with a deep breath, she wrote her answer.]

She kissed me. More than once.
That's how I should've known it wasn't the real her.
But it felt like it was everything I ever wanted from her.
And I followed her into hell.

[threelayers]

[That got a reaction. Neo looked hurt. She looked mad. She knew Emerald was aware of the wrongness of what had happened, but it still felt in that moment like a betrayal. Her body quivered and she had to breathe for a moment.

But she didn't leave. She didn't meet Emerald's eyes but she didn't leave. Swallowing, she took a minute, breathing slowly. Finally, she typed, and it felt important because o what she had just said.]

The real one wouldn't. She'd promise but never deliver.

But I need to know.
Do you still want her to kiss you?
Even now?

[hallucinogem]

[her eyes were briefly closed, but she swore she could feel Neo's emotional state change all the same. she swallowed, made a little noise from her throat. tried her voice out to see if she could actually use it, because this needed to come from her, and not some computer. the only thing giving her words any conviction was the twisting feeling inside her as she said them. the pain meant it was real.]

It makes me sick. [she swallowed again.] Thinking about doing anything with her. Any time I think about it I just remember how she made me ruin my own life.

[threelayers]

[And similarly, it needed to come from Neo's lips. She abused this sometimes, ut she only did this for Emerald. Moving her lips up to her ear, she whispered faintly, right before embracing her.]

'Then I believe you, and I forgive you. I love you.'

[Really what she'd needed to hear was that, just that. She could accept that it had been a curse on those words alone, but as she clung to her, she had to admit that she appreciated that Emerald had specifically told her. She might never have found out otherwise, but hearing it from her, not from some damned curse forcing her to admit it or painting it on her ass or something... it meant a lot.]

[hallucinogem]

At least someone still can.

[it sent shivers down her spine to hear those words from her girlfriend's mouth, but she couldn't stop herself from letting her true emotions shine through. as much as she hated them... as much as it felt like she was already a broken record.]

I don't know what I'm going to do next. But I'm probably gonna need to lean on you a lot.

[threelayers]

[She sighed and leaned back to give her a nod. One hand reached up and pressed to Emerald's cheek, dragging her thumb under the eye, taking any tears with it while she smiled. Yeah, she expected that, and she was entirely ok with it. But she was ok with close, fused relationships. Emerald relying on her was just comfortable, but she didn't want her to have to. She knew that could lead to problems.

But... but that was a problem for tomorrow. She typed this time again, easing back a little.]

We can worry about that tomorrow.
Tonight, you're here with me.
And every tomorrow I will be there for you.

[hallucinogem]

[she tried her best to let the tension run out of her body at hearing that. it wasn't going to be okay again for a while, not with everyone else. but with Neo... with Neo, whose heart was bigger than her body sometimes, Emerald knew that she'd always have a home. nothing would take that away from her.]

I love you. [quiet, but not weak.] Thank you for not leaving.

[threelayers]

[She mouthed 'I love you' right back, and finally pressed her lips in against Emerald's. It was clearly not the sort of kiss that said she wanted to do anything more, but a supportive thing, affectionate. She wanted her to appreciate and feel that closeness in the moment, given how much she felt out of her own mind right then.

They'd have to figure out tomorrow, but for the moment she was content to just be here today. And she'd always be there for her as long as she had any say in her own mind.]