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[threelayers]

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*BEEEP*

It seems that Neopolitan still isn't managing to master the fine art of caring to be properly sociable. Still, the inbox does work, and she's known to respond fast enough, if she likes someone. So, at least there's that?

(OOC Note: 99% of all replies will come in the form of Text Messages unless Neo has a strong reason to send video messages. She might send pictures, but she prefers text.)

Comments

[tealeafs]

Well..

[ It's a loaded question, considering Chizuru's trouble with the word 'want' when it comes to herself. And in this case it's even more complicated. Chizuru feels like she has no idea what she wants anymore. She's not even sure if she's allowed to want anything at all, with the way guilt has washed over her heart.

.. but she does know that not telling her good friend about it would be cruel, especially after staring about it. So after obediently sitting down, she slowly starts talking, even though she can't bring herself to look directly at Neopolitan as she speaks. ]

Did you see that Jinx.. um. That she says kind of scary things on the network at times..?

[ Chizuru hadn't noticed. Not until someone brought it to her attention, anyway, since she's way too nice to read other people's conversations. ]

Really.. violent things. Um, about her enjoying violence, or enjoying seeing people fear for their lives..

[threelayers]

Sure, she's always saying stuff like that.
I kind of assumed that you were just really forgiving about the way that she talks.

[Because Chizuru was always forgiving, and a touch submissive about many things. Neo had genuinely assumed she was well aware that Jinx was to violence what some fish were to water. It was, in her mind, hard to miss. But suddenly, the thought came to her, and her eyes widened.]

Oh crap, you talked to her about that didn't you?

[More accurately, she tried to talk to her about cutting down on that, because.... yeaaaaaah...]

[tealeafs]

[ Maybe later - once she looks back on this conversation, and is perhaps a little less emotional about it all - Chizuru will realise just what fortune it was to talk about this with Neopolitan of all people. She seems to understand the situation so well, and the way it could have spiralled out of hand in the first place.

Right now though, in the moment, Chizuru is way too busy focusing on the other's question. It makes her nod, looking guilty even as she's only doing just that. ]

Yes..

[ .. she wonders if Neopolitan also thought it was a bad idea. If her friend also sees how - in Chizuru's skewed perspective - it was such a bad thing for Chizuru to do.

All her fault. ]

.. I know I shouldn't have. It was really cruel of me to bring it up.. [ She chews her lip, looking sadder and smaller with each passing moment. ] I-I'm such a bad person for even worrying about it in the first place..

[ Leave it to Chizuru to blame herself in absolutely every single situation. Her mind will find a way. ]

[threelayers]

[No! No no no no no! Neopolitan heard the words that came out and shock had kept her from stopping Chizuru where she started. Her eyes widened further and she brought up a hand to her friend's lips, touching them, shaking her head frantically. For once, she could feel how slow it could be for her to communicate. It was a frustration she hadn't felt often since she was a little child, but she was a bit desperaate to get her attention.

Oh brothers, this was a minefield. Chizuru was always so prone to blaming herself. Neo knew that. Hell, she'd known that when she'd thought about asking her out hersel... another firm shake stopped that thought, putting it to the side. It wasn't where here head needed to be. She breathed in and out and the fingers left her lips, holding up a single digit, to tell her friend to wait, to not comment while she typed. Because this was... maybe going to be a lot by her standards.]

You aren't to blame and you are NOT a bad person, Chizuru. Jinx isn't exactly a hundred percent stable, but I thought maybe your forgiving nature would make things ok for you two. And when she talked about it, I was a little worried because I don't want you to get hurt, and she seemed to not want you to get hurt, and she's really loyal by nature. So I thought maybe it would be ok, and I didn't know if I should but my head into this.

[She also felt, ya know, wrong to do that when she'd considered them both briefly herself. Super awkward, and she wasn't sure of her own motives.]

Jinx isn't bad, but she's broken. She's violent. She might be able to change that, but it's not natural to her, and she's on a level that's more chaotic than even me. Honestly she reminds me of someone I know back home, though not quite. The thing is that you did nothing wrong. I'm not sure if she did anything wrong.

But I don't think that conversation was going to go where you wanted it to, is all. It doesn't make you wrong, or bad. I'm not sure what's broken in her, but she's hard to get through to, too.

But you're not bad. [Pause.]


[Her eyes narrowed a little.]

She didn't hurt you did she?

[tealeafs]

[ Thankfully Chizuru is - if nothing else - obedient to a fault. So when Neo seems to want her to be quiet and wait, Chizuru does just that, even though it takes a little bit for the other to type up all of that.

It's a bit of an awkward pause, but Chizuru doesn't attempt to fill it. The girl just glances down at her lap as she waits, shooting tiny momentary glances over at Neopolitan to see if the other is ready yet.

And then those words come. And they're-- they're a lot to listen to.

They're a lot to think about.

So she focuses first on the easy part to get out of the way - the last question, since that's one with a definite answer. Chizuru quickly shakes her head, as if she completely doesn't want Neopolitan to get even the momentary idea that Jinx would have hurt her. ]

She didn't. [ As much as some parts of the conversation are either hazy or twisted in Chizuru's memory by her own guilt, she knows this much for sure. ] She-- She wouldn't.

[ Despite everything, she still believes that to be true.

It's followed up by a pause. Chizuru clearly does want to speak, but it looks like she's struggling - perhaps with even just finding the right words. ]

.. I wanted to help her. [ She seems to settle on. They're words that don't exactly explain everything, but it's hard to convey much of anything when she's still so upset by the memory of the talk. ] I thought.. I might be able to do that while dating her.

[threelayers]

[Ok. Good. Crisis averted. She did not have to try and go kick Jinx's skinny ass. Yet. She wasn't ruling that out for the moment, but she was putting a pin in that at least while the two of them talked and she tried to help her friend. She couldn't agree with "She wouldn't." Neo was enough of a realist that, however unlikely, she believed most people were capable of violence and Jinx wasn't the most stable of people. But, she didn't and she probably didn't want to, so that was ... good.

Alright. Then came the next response, and that made Neo's shoulders sag. She was thinking back to Varian again, to his attempts to get through to her, the ones laced with the knowledge that he wouldn't, that he couldn't, and the shared understanding that she'd chosen to walk the road she was on, regardless of the consequences. The situations were different on a lot of levels, but there were similarities only in one thing.]

I know that you did, because I know you're like that. It's one of the best parts of you, that you always want to help, especially if you care about someone. The only problem is that, in a relationship with her, you're both all tied up with emotions about each other at the same time that you're trying to help. You can probably be very supportive, but she also needs help from someone she doesn't care about at all, that she just has to listen to the words they say, without reading anything into it. And that girl can read a lot into a little.

But more importantly? "I can help them. If we're dating, I can help fix them" doesn't usually end where you want it to. It ends with you hurt, because she needs to be in a healthy place to date you at all. I know you care about her, but I am not sure she's ready to be with you yet.

[She didn't add "I'm not sure if she will be ready." that was a judgment too far, and it wasn't fair, and again? She was trying hard not to insert herself a certain way, because she was dead sure it wasn't right to do that.]

[tealeafs]

[ ...

Chizuru slowly exhales, her breath just a touch shakey.

It's just a lot, all of this. Even though she's listening to the other girl without directly looking at Neopolitan for a moment, even though she's trying to take in everything Neo is saying, making sure to take it seriously.. it's still a lot. She does believe in the other's advice here, since Neopolitan has never tried to lead her astray before and Chizuru severely doubts that would suddenly start now.

But the words are all still heavy, and the idea of blaming Jinx - even just partially - for this doesn't sit right with Chizuru. (Just like Neo says. Chizuru is just like that.) ]

I.. don't think I am ready to be with anyone.

[ It's then that she looks up at the other. There's a tiny smile on Chizuru's face, but it's mirthless. She's still hurting, and saying this - while she does fully believe in it - doesn't feel like the relief she thought it might be. ]

I guess maybe I just-- I didn't fully understand this dating thing yet. I thought I might understand it while trying it out with Jinx. [ Because there's no such thing as dating where Chizuru comes from. It's marriage all the way or just nothing at all.

This was her attempt at learning about modern dating, and.. ]

.. I guess I really screwed it up, huh..?

[threelayers]

[she shook her head and reached for both of her friend's hands, trying to press them together, to keep them in her lap and staring at her very closely. This was going to be a minefield for a while, she was certain of it. But she didn't want Chizuru walking out of this thinking that about herself. That felt important to her right now.]

You didn't screw up. She's got issues is all.
I think maybe you need some rest if you two have broken up, just to let your heart heal.
But you didn't do anything wrong, and you should be able to date.

And one day, maybe she can do it too.
But what she's got going on is something she needs to work on, not you.
You need to be ok for yourself.

You're not a screw up, Chizuru.
Sometimes, things are more than we can handle and too much to ask.

[tealeafs]

[ There's so much niceness here. It's strange.

Not because Chizuru doesn't expect the other girl to be nice, it's just.. it's difficult when you're being so hard on yourself for something, and then a friend comes along who treats you so gently about it instead. Telling you that you haven't done anything wrong, even though you feel like you have. Holding your hands like that. Reassuring you.

Chizuru bites her lip, trying to glance over at Neopolitan, but feeling a little too overwhelmed and instead looking down at the hands in her lap. ]

Why are you being so nice to me about this..?

[ Granted, it should be obvious why.

But with the way Chizuru views the situation, putting so much blame on her own shoulders, it feels so hard to imagine anyone treating her this kindly and understanding after what happened. ]

[threelayers]

[Fuck.

It was written all over her face that she was suddenly very uncomfortable. On the one hand? She was trying to be helpful because she considered Chizuru to be one of her only close friends in Trench. She had only a few people that she was legitimately close to who weren't from home, so she was protective. Chizuru was an easy person to feel very protective of, and she didn't think she'd done anything wrong. On the other, there were other reasons that were probably making her biased.

She didn't want Chizuru to not believe her, or to get upset because of those reasons. But lying to her felt very wrong. She fidgeted and her hands went back to her omni as she didn't meet her friend's gaze for a second, thinking for a long moment about it before finally replying.]

A few reasons. One? I don't dislike Jinx. I actually do like her.
But she's not entirely safe, and I know that, and I'm used to being around dangerous people.

Two, I'm probably pretty biased, Chizuru, because I care about you.
I don't want you to get hurt, and you got hurt.

[She kind of hoped that would be enough for her friend. Now did not feel like a time to say anymore than that. In fact, she really really didn't want to say more than that right about then.]

[tealeafs]

[ Chizuru seems to try and take in the words for a moment, but then she's moving. She mostly scoots a little closer to the other, and then her body leans forward until she's basically leaning against the other girl, Chizuru's forehead leaning against Neopolitan's shoulder. ]

.. thank you..

[ She doesn't deserve it.

Even now, Chizuru can't help but still think that, more than anything else. She doesn't deserve all this care, but-- if she's getting it, then thanking the other for it is the absolute least she can do. ]

I-- I'll be fine. [ Her default phrase to fall back on, yes, but.. She does mean it, partially.

Or maybe it's just a wish. ]

I, um.. I just need to figure out how to stop feeling like this.. Since it makes it hard to do much else..

[threelayers]

You will.
Time, you just need time to figure it out.
I'm here for you.

[Which... was the only thing she typed for a minute. she set the omni to the side and reached an arm around to curl around her friend and draw her in. It was pretty obvious that Chizuru needed physical contact. Neo let her illusions go, the little scars more visible, along with the tiredness in her eyes. With it out of the way, she held onto her friend and let her just take whatever hug she was going to need.

Honestly? She wasn't sure how long it would take. they hadn't dated long, but Chizuru also hadn't really done anything like this ever, so maybe it'd take a bit longer.]

[tealeafs]

[ The girl leans into the physical contact without hesitation. Sure, it may have been rare for her to get hugs back home, but she's sure grown used to it in this place - where the people are so kind, and where she has actual friends who actually call themselves her friends.

And she knows that when a friend hugs you, it's okay. It's comfort.

It's something Chizuru can lean into for now, turning her head so it's pressed against Neopolitan, and starting to cry against the other girl. It's okay to let go if Neo is doing the same, even dropping her usual appearance for the one Chizuru saw before, way back in the Sleeper farm.

It's not a loud kind of crying though. Instead it's more like silent sobs, tears invisible while Chizuru is hiding her face against the other girl. But the way her shoulders move up and down with each hitch of her breath is enough of a clue as to the fact that Chizuru really is crying. That she's trying to let out the hurt, even though it'll probably continue to fester in her heart for quite a while longer.

She wants to say more, but she waits for a bit longer, knowing that it isn't easy for Neo to hug her and talk at the same time.

So it's only after a few long moments - maybe even a few minutes - that Chizuru finally moves back, a hand wiping at her eyes as she says: ]

I'm sorry.. I-- I'll try my best to feel better again soon. I don't want to feel bad either if it might be a bother to others..

[ And when it still kind of feels like she's the culprit here, despite everything Neo said. It's hard to cut herself enough slack to allow herself to cry without feeling guilty about it. ]

[threelayers]

[She just let her cry for the moment, awkwardly holding onto her for the time being, letting her start to get some of it out. She knew that she was almost certainly blaming herself partially for this, and Neo wouldn't have said anything of the sort. But, Chizuru just was too hard on herself no matter what the situation was. It might take a long time to get out of this. She wondered just how bad this bridge had gotten burned, and resolved not to get on Jinx's case.

It'd only make things worse.

When she'd finally gotten enough out to talk, Neo listened, reaching up a thumb to brush one of the tears off of her cheek and sighing. Ok, no. That? She'd talk about.]

You're not a bother, Chizuru.
Please don't worry about it, and you'll feel better when you do.
You're going to be ok.

[tealeafs]

.. I'm going to be okay..

[ She repeats the words, even if she doesn't sound all that convinced of them. But maybe that's exactly why she's making sure to say them herself in the first place, rather than just leaving them to Neopolitan.

She wants to be okay. Because it sucks to feel this bad, sure, but.. mostly for everyone else's sake. She feels like she's no good when she's like this.

Chizuru sniffs, allowing Neo to wipe away that tear. Sure, she may be a touch shy about physical contact, but not with close and trusted friends - and Neo sure is one of those. ]

Do you.. um.. [ She starts a question, then stops and frowns, like she's rethinking whether or not to ask this in the first place. Though Chizuru does manage to press on after a moment. ] If you don't mind, I mean..

[ Of course Chizuru has to add that sort of disclaimer. ]

Do you want to do something fun together..?

[ Even if it's just something simple.

Just something that helps Chizuru trying to get her mind off everything for a few moments. There's nothing that makes her feel better as much as her friends, after all. ]

[threelayers]

[Neo just kind of watched her for a moment, and when Chizuru fidgeted that one out at the end, she laughed very softly, no actual sound coming from her throat as she couldn't help the smile. Leaning her forehead against her friend's for a moment, she just closed her eyes and thought about it. Yeah, she wanted Chizuru to smile again, which meant going out to do something no question.]

Yeah, let's get out of here.
We can hit Sapphora up, if you want to spend some time with the girls.
Or I know a place that does mud baths we can go to.

Gonna pamper you tonight.
Gives me an excuse to get pampered too.

[tealeafs]

[ There's a faint blush on Chizuru's cheeks when the other mentions pampering - despite the fact that the rest of her expression is still kind of sad. She doubts she really deserves pampering right now, still unable to fully shake off the sense of guilt, but.. It's not like she can just say no to such a kind offer from her friend, right?

So rather than rejecting it, she nods. A faint nod, but a nod all the same.

It's okay if it means that Neo is going to pamper herself too, she thinks. It's for the other girl's sake too. ]

Sure, we can do that.. Though I've-- um, I've never heard of a mud bath before..

[ Let alone had one. But of course Chizuru is going to trust the other when Neo says that it's something good. ]

[threelayers]

[See, that was the secret about pampering. Nobody deserved pampering. It was totally selfish, and she was absolutely going to be a tiny bit selfish here. Getting up, she offered her hand to help her friend rise and grinned at her.]

Oh, this is going to be fun.
You'd never believe getting a bath of mud would make you feel clean?
But it's amazing for that.

[tealeafs]

[ She does take the other's hand without hesitation, at the very least. Even when Chizuru is feeling at her lowest, she still trusts her friends - and especially Neopolitan, who has shared so much with her already at this point. ]

If you say so. [ Then I'll believe it, is the implication here. Chizuru would love to show the other a smile alongside it, but..

.. well, that's hard right now, for obvious reasons. But she does try to look a little bit less like a kicked puppy, at least, after breathing in and out. ]

I'll do my best to enjoy it too then.

[threelayers]

[She reached one hand over while the two of them were walking, her finger 'booping' her friend's nose while she offered her a reassuring smile, trying to be as infectious as possible. She knew it would be hard, but she hoped that being positive for the two of them would rub off a little.]

Don't you worry.
You don't need to try too hard for this.
That's the joy of having fun.

You just have it.